Dreaming on the Little Su. Palmer Fishhook Road, September.
The post in which I commit my immortal soul to the everlasting flames.
And in which I also present my translation of a recently unearthed One Act Play!
This recently discovered, and previously unknown, yet brilliant, play - clearly the work of a Master Dramatist and Theatrical Genius - was found in the recently excavated ruins of the Palace Library of God King Whatchamajiggy III, (which is located somewhere), and it may provide, if based on actual history, new, and very exciting evidence, confirming the Exodus of the Israelites from the Land of Egypt. It also moves the origin of The Dramatic Arts even earlier into the Mists of Forgotten Time. (Un recherche du temps oublier?) I mean, at that point in human history, the Greeks were just a bunch of illiterate tribal savages engaged, primarily, in belching and farting contests, or in stealing cows and women from each other, whenever they got bored with the belching and farting thing.
(Play Translation by, The Author.)
But enough with the preamble.
So... Just what was it that started my mind down this strange road re: The Moment?
What sent my mind on La Recherche du Temps Perdu?
Evangelical Christianity of all things.
I mean, think about this.
Does it seem odd to you, (it does to me), that most People of Faith seem to have forgotten their Moment, or at least none of them seems to want to talk about it publicly, or write about it, or to commit their Moment to paper, (seriously old school, I know), or broadcast it over the airwaves, or to Podcast what was going on in their lives, and how old they were, when they experienced their Moment.
Or could it be that they don't experience the Moment? Could it be true, perhaps, that they actually get to choose ?! Yes! That must be how they go about it, since they're always referring to the the evils of "The Homosexual Agenda" and how it leads, invariably, to "The Gay Lifestyle Choice". (Git Thee Behind Me Satan! And PUSH!)
So, if they do, in truth, Decide, if sexuality actually is, for them, a choice, then I think they should let the rest of us in on the process. Tell us how they arrive at their decision. Seriously, do Christians, or the followers of the other two monotheism's for that matter, (and don't believe, for one second, that they all worship the same god. Unless you're really up for the Ultra-X-treme-Games Mental Gymnastics Competition. Phew... I get exhausted just thinking about thinking about it!), actually get to decide?
Or do they experience the Moment?
It would sure be helpful for the rest of us to know, one way or t'other.
But I do understand the potential difficulties.
I'll try to reason this out.
(Wish me luck.)
God clearly states that homosexuality is a sin:
Gen. 19: 1 - Through the Rain of Fire and Brimstone, Total destruction of Sodom and Gomorrah, Lot's wife, Pillar of Salt, etc, et al... (I'll bet Et'ing Al is what got them into trouble in the first place!), and while it is true that homosexuality is roundly condemned in this story, it is also made explicitly clear that it's perfectly OK to offer your virgin daughters up for rape and murder. But hey, since they're only girls, after all, and therefore don't count as real people, where's the harm?)
See also - Lev. 18:22, 20:13
And, as God cannot make us sin - Remember your Catechism!
(Sin is Satan's Job !! (It's a Union Gig. Don't you make Him file a Grievance!))
But then again, about that whole Big G not intentionally causing someone to sin thing...
The Book clearly states - Ex 4:21, 7:3, 7:14, 10:1, 10:20, 11:10, 14:4, 14:17 - that Big G will harden Pharaohs heart, such that Pharaoh won't release the Israelites, no matter what. So, even though Pharaoh is willing to let the Israelites go after the plague of frogs (plague #2. See Ex 8:8), Big G has already made sure that's a non starter. And every time Pharaoh weakens, Big G re-does the heart hardening thing, (see list above) so Pharaoh can't let them go. Which excuse Big G then uses to inflict the tremendous suffering of the remaining eight or so plagues upon the innocent, throughout the entire land of Egypt. (Big G also tells the Israelites to steal everything that isn't nailed down. But that's another issue, for another day.)
Big G does this, as far as I can tell, simply to prove that he can. Ex. 7:3-5, 10:1, 11:9.
Which doing, should you or I be guilty of, would absolutely qualify as the SIN of Pride. (Number One in The Seven Deadly big ones! - Sins, that is...)
Which, of course, then begs the question - Can God Sin?
(Shit! My Brain Hurts!)
Oh... Who the Hell cares? I mean seriously!
They were Pagan Egyptian Scum!!! Let em Rot and Burn in Hell, Forever!!!
(The idea, proposed by certain historians, archaeologists, egyptologists, etc, that the early polytheist hebrews, ibri, ibrim, ivrim, whatever, most likely borrowed, or stole [see above] the idea of monotheism [from Akhenaten perhaps?] while sojourning in and around Egypt, [sometime before they stole everything that wasn't nailed down and ran off into the desert], is, as any Fundamentalist will happily tell you, just plain silly.)
And Certain to lead to Eternal Damnation, and being barbecued in the Lake of Fire. (I want my ribs, spicy!)
Oh, also. It was not recorded, in any previously (emphasis mine) known historical document, that any Pharaoh, plus his entire army, were drowned, en masse, while in pursuit of anyone, for any reason, anywhere, at any time.
And while it is true that the Egyptians would not likely record such an embarrassing episode, it is absolutely certain that at least One of the neighboring Kingdoms would have, as the loss of Pharaoh, and the entire Egyptian Army, would have provided someone with the perfect excuse for... The Invasion of Egypt!!!
And here! Today!! In Black and White!! For the first time anywhere (since at least umpteen thousand BC) !! I now present New, Possible, Actual, Historical, EVIDENCE!! of the Exodus!!!
Opening Tonight!!!
The Pharaoh, and his Army, are All Washed Up!!
A New Play: In one very brief scene!
Setting: Somewhere in Ancient Assyria, Sumer, Hyperborea, Babylon,
Nubia, Pellucidar, Akkad, Philistia, Cimmeria, Etc, Etc...
Dramatis Personae:
God King Whatchamajiggy III:
Currently God King of one of the above.
Ancient Grand Vizier:
Head Advisor to God Kings Whatchamajiggy
I, II, and now III. (It's a good job, if you can survive it.)
Scene:
Throne Room, Palace of God Kings Whatchamajiggy I, II, and now, III.
(Lights up finds God King Whatchmajiggy III seated upon the Lion Throne, lost in though about the current shortage of fresh Poontang in the Royal Haram. He is engaged in a mental cost/benefit analysis of the various options for acquiring some fresh - Poon, that is. We can almost hear him thinking, "Hmm, Should I just go down to the Market Square and buy some? But you never know where they've been, or who's been in them... and who can trust a Slave Trader? Or should I stage a daring commando raid on one of the neighbors? Or declare War? Decisions, decisions... I wonder what Pharaoh is getting for A-Number 1 quality Egyptian these days?)
Enter: Ancient Grand Vizier, interrupting The Kings train of thought. (or should that be "Chain" of thought? Trains being about 5,000 years down the road after all. Oh, I'll just worry about that later.) Anyway, the Vizier wanders vaguely in, having gotten lost, again, while looking for a lavatory. He's old, he has BPH, he has to go, often.
God King Whatchamajiggy III:
(Knowing full well that the Grand Vizier is most likely lost, God King Whatchamajiggy III decides it's time for some light entertainment, to help ease the burden of Greatness which rest heavily upon the Head that wears the Crown. In a booming voice!)
So! Ancient Grand Vizier! What do you hear from down Egypt way?
Ancient Grand Vizier:
(Jumps, startled by the voice. Turns. Sees God King on throne, does mental inventory to determine just which God King [I, II, or III] is speaking. slowly processes question. Audience should see gears grind noisily... engage. Protocol requires that he should prostrate himself before the God King, but there's no way he can achieve it, he doesn't bend that way any more. It can be a good piece of physical comedy as the King watches the attempt. God King eventually waves hand indicating to Grand Vizier not to bother.)
- What? Egypt? Oh yes. News from Egypt. There was news from Egypt... Now, what was it? Oh! Oh yes. that was it! Oh My King! It is said that Old Pharaoh Amenho... Ramese...Thutmos... Oh! Who the hell ever!! New Kingdom! Old Kingdom! This Dynasty! That Dynasty! Pharaoh this, Pharaoh that... Brothers and sisters marrying! Who can keep it straight? Nothing good will come of it, I can tell you that! Why, I remember, in your Great Grandfathers day....
(Vizier descends into random mumbling through his very long white beard. Then in his distraction, and at the prompting of his bladder, he begins to move towards the nearest exit to continue his quest for the lavatory.
God King Whatchamajiggy III:
(Rolling his eyes, this happens a lot.)
Grand Vizier! Grand Vizier!
Ancient Grand Vizier:
(Jumps, startled. Has already forgotten he was talking to someone.)
Yes, My King?
God King Whatchamajiggy III:
(sighs)
About Pharaoh?
Ancient Grand Vizier:
(blankly)
About Pharaoh? My King?
God King Whatchamajiggy III:
(longer sigh)
There was news? from Egypt? You were speaking about Pharaoh?
Ancient Grand Vizier:
(still blank)
- Pharaoh? I was talking about Pharaoh? (to self) Hmm... How odd... Why would I have been doing that? (to King, hopefully. Looking for a hint.) Ah.. Which Pharaoh was I talking about? Oh Most Gracious King.
God King Whatchamajiggy III:
(helpfully)
The most current one?
Ancient Grand Vizier:
( A very dim light dawns, slowly.)
- What? The current one? Oh! Oh yes! That's right! Old what's his face. The current one. Oh yes! That's very good. Yes. Now I remember! He evidently took it into his fool head to chase those stupid, pain in the ass Israelites into the middle of the Sea of Reeds, (to self) or was it the Red Sea? Wherever, it doesn't matter. Somewhere usually deep and wet, except evidently the tide was out. Or something like that. (Mutters into beard) Damn Fool thing to do! The entire Egyptian Army and not one of 'em has a tide table? Preposterous! Why in my day... (more muttering, soto voce)
God King Whatchamajiggy III:
(long sigh)
(loudly) Grand Vizier. (louder) Grand Vizier! (loudest) GrandVizier !!
Ancient Grand Vizier:
(startled, see above.)
Yes My King?
God King Whatchamajiggy III:
(Not happy, maybe it's time for a young Grand Vizier)
Pharaoh...? Army...? Tide out...? Bottom of some Sea...?
Ancient Grand Vizier:
(Mentally Backtracking...)
What? Tide out? Tide out... Tide out!!!! Ah!! Yes!! The Tide!! That was it!! It was the tide! While they were out there guddling around in the mud and tripping over the fish, the tide came back!! (All this talk about water has greatly increased the Viziers discomfort. Muttering to self, looking around) Now where the devil is the lavatory? I do wish they would stop moving things around.
God King Whatchamajiggy III:
(wait for Vizier to continue, and wait, and wait. Then slowly, drawn out)
Annnnnnnnd?
Ancient Grand Vizier:
(Perplexed, is annnnnnd a new word perhaps? Parrots it back)
Annnnnnnd? My King?
God King Whatchamajiggy III:
(Patience has run out. shouting)
Pharaoh...! Army...! Tide...! What happened next !!!
Ancient Grand Vizier:
(Looks at King. Moment of anxiety. Remembers. Gathers himself together, self satisfied expression spreads over his face. He knows the King will be very happy at the news he is about to impart.)
- That's it! That's right. Well My King. The tide was very deep, and so when it returned. (Pause for effect) They all drownded. (to self) Hmm, is it drownded? or drowned?
God King Whatchamajiggy III:
(did I hear that right?)
Drowned?
Ancient Grand Vizier:
(quite smugly)
Yep. Drowned. Old Pharaoh what's his face and his entire army. Sleeping with the fishies. (Makes fish face) Glub, glub, glub...
God King Whatchamajiggy III:
(Deeply intrigued. Wheels are turning. Savors the next three words)
All of them?
Ancient Grand Vizier:
(absolute certainty)
Mirabile dictu, My King, to the very last one! There's not one chariot, horse, or soldier left alive in the entire land of Egypt!
God King Whatchamajiggy III:
(Slow, big smile)
So. What I'm hearing is "Egypt not only has no Pharaoh, but no army?"
Ancient Grand Vizier:
(Looking VERY wise)
Yep. That pretty much covers it!
God King Whatchamajiggy III:
(In the manner of "YAAAAAAAHHHHOOOOOOOOO!!! Fresh Poontang problem solved!!! And at little to no cost to boot!!!)
PAAAAARRRTTTYYY ON !!! Ya'll go get the Generals and round up the troops!! We're gonna open us one huuuuuuuge can a whoop ass on Egypt, an capture us some a that Grade A, Number One Fancy, Fine Egyptian Pootang!!! Mmmm, mmmm, mmm, mmm, mmm.... I can taste it already!!!
Ancient Grand Vizier:
(perplexed)
Poontang? My King?
God King Whatchamajiggy III:
Sorry. I got a little carried away there. It'll make sense in 2008.
(God King descends, regally, from the dais, puts his arm around Ancient Grand Vizier, pats him fondly on the shoulder.)
Ancient Grand Vizier:
(stage whisper, anxiously)
I really need to go to the lavatory.
God King Whatchamajiggy III:
(Smiling, expansive)
Right this way, Grand Vizier. Right this way.
Exeunt Omnes.
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