Autumn on the Little Susitna. Hatcher Pass, AK.
The Curse of "Nice Guy".
(This section might possibly be offensive to Jewish folk. (I just can't please everyone. But I sure as hell can offend 'em.))
Here is what I, personally, wish I had been taught in Sex Ed -
"Boy, boys, boys. You MUST understand this-!! Nice Boys NEVER! EVER! get laid!"
(Believe it or don't, that was the Eleventh Commandment of the original Hendecalogue, inscribed, by Big G's very own index finger on the first set of stone tablets. You know, the set Moses broke in that fit of pique over the Golden Calf. (So just what, exactly, was the deal there?))
However it led to sooo many Nice Jewish Boys becoming Atheists, and thereby produced so many distraught Jewish mothers, and so much weeping and wailing, gnashing of teeth, and rending of garments - "Atheist ? Atheist !! My son an Atheist !! Oy, that I should live to hear such a thing! And from my son? My firstborn?! Oy, I'm so glad your Father, (God rest his soul!), my Murray, isn't alive to hear this! It would KILL him!! Three weeks I was in labor with you. Three weeks!! Oy! The pain, the pain. Nine months of Hell I go through, (such morning sickness no one ever had! You have NO idea !!) Three weeks in labor!! Three weeks of hell to bring you, my firstborn, my only son, into this world!! I give you life!! Forty years I shlep you through the desert. Forty Years!! Moses can't read a map?? Who knew?! And ask for directions? Just like my Murray, (May he rest in peace.) And now you do this?? Fine!! Stab your mother through the heart!! Marrying a shiksa I could understand, godless heathens I admit, but beautiful, (may God forgive me.) Marrying a shiksa I could maybe understand, even forgive, maybe. If she gave me sheyna eyfelekh! Beautiful Bubeleh!! But this !! No... No... It's alright. I still love you, even though you don't love your Mother. Oy. I knew I should have breast fed another year... This is all my fault." - That God removed it from the second set of tablets, giving us the Decalogue, just to stop all the kvetching.
Unfortunately it is apparently still in effect. The "Unwritten Commandment", as it were.
A Paradox: If you, perchance, as someone who has been cursed with the Nice Guy gene, (and believe me, it is a terrible curse!) anyway, if you should cry out in your celibate anguish and despair, "Oh God! I wish I was like "so and so" ("so and so" being a lying, cheating, sleazy, womanizing bastard - and those are his good points - who, of course, gets laid more than anyone deserves. Especially a lying, cheating, two timing, sleazy, scumbag, womanizing, low life, bastard.)
Anyway, should you so cry out, in the presence of women who are acquainted with Mr. "so and so", they will, I assure you, cry out in response, "Oh No!! You're much too nice!! You don't ever want to be like "so and so"!! He's awful!! We hate him!!"
- wait for it -
"And we like you!"
Kiss... Of... Death....
And yet, strangely enough, it very often occurs that they themselves will have allowed "so and so", whom they supposedly hate, to fuck them. Often more than once.
(What Is Up With That!?!?!?)
They will then pat you on your head, tell you that "You'll make someone (else) a wonderful boyfriend, husband, whatever, someday." Give you a puppy treat, and then send you home.
Alone.
In response to the implicit question -
If you think you can overcome this severe disability by learning how to Act like an Asshole, you will discover that, no matter how hard you try, nor how good your schtick, women will still know, somehow, that You are a Nice Guy. (I suspect it has to do with the fact that sooner or later you will slip up by actually listening to what she is saying, while not trying to cop a feel, and then you are screwed - NOT!)
So just go buy yourself a magazine, (I can recommend any of the fine Club Publications) a box of tissues, and go home.
Oh. And for those of you who were, or are, among the chosen. You who are Cool, and Suave, and Sophisticated, those of you for whom things went slick as KY warming jelly. I now say, from the bottom of my heart, and with unutterable depth of feeling, on behalf of We, the average, the ordinary, the clumsy, the less than attractive, the awkward, the ill prepared, the uncertain, the nervous, in other words all the rest of us...
We Hates You!!! We Hates You Forever!!! Die!!! Die!!!! Die!!!!!
(For years I hated all good looking men as a simple matter of principle. I considered it a Moral Imperative. I now have a more nuanced view, as I have come to understand that if you have enough money, it really doesn't matter what you look like.)
Perhaps it is true that money can't buy you love.
But it sure as hell can rent it.
Tune in tomorrow, or the next day, when I will reveal what all this is about.
No comments:
Post a Comment