Raven doesn't see the Light

Raven wonders, "What's for desert?" Grocery parking lot, Wasilla, Ak

(Continued from post - In The Beginning.)

So after awhile Raven, well, he began ta get kinda tired that he was still flyin around in th' dark.

He still couldn't see nothin, he still didn't have no IFR, or no heads up display, or no radar or no nothin. (Shit, I mean, Alaska Airlines Pilots, what are mere humans, got heads up displays, an Raven don't? What's up with that?) An while night vision goggles are great an all, they still need some light, ya know? the occasional photon here an there ta work with. An there wasn't one single photon, stray or otherwise, floatin around anywhere! An this was what was causin the problem see? cause, while it was good that there was land now, on account'a he dropped that stupid rock, it also meant that now there was all this stuff to crash into! on account'a, he was still flyin around in the dark!

All on account'a that rock.

What is it with that stupid rock?

I blame everything on that rock! (An ya can quote me on that! George Bush the II? Blame the rock! Car won't start? It's gotta be that rock. Dog ate the cat? Blame the rock. Girlfriend pregnant "accidently"? gotta be that rock! I tell ya', [just like them turtles], it's that damn rock, all th' way down.)

In fact, I think I'm startin ta hate that rock!

I mean, that there was land now, that was nice, right? 'cause it gave Raven a place ta land an rest an all, ya know? An if it'd all been nice an flat, like, say, Nebraska, or Kansas, or Manitoba, eh? That would'a been alright, see?

But it wasn't flat!

Nope, not flat a 'tall, instead it was covered all over with Great Big Mountains! an Great Big Trees! an Great Big Glaciers! An Great Big Volcanos, what was always eruptin, an spittin out smoke, an ash, an super hot black rocks.

An why were the super hot rocks black instead a glowin' red or yella?

I'll tell ya why! It was on account'a there weren't NO LIGHT!

(This ain't no damn-fool neoplatonic universe. There ain't no cave, an we ain't seein' no shadows on no cave walls: no photons = no light = no shadows. It's simple, see? You ever seen the concept/idea a' light cast a single damn shadow anywhere? Didn't think so. Case closed)

So how's ya gonna glow red or yella when there ain't no light?

It's simple logic an science I tell ya.

An waaaay up there on them Great Big Mountains was Great Big Mountain Goats! Did I mention th' Giant Mountain Goats!

So just imagin flyin around in th' dark an gettin all tangled up in a Giant Mountain Goat! Fun? I don't think so.

Well, I tell ya, havin all this new stuff ta crash into? it sure took all the fun right outa flyin, an the First Rule of Ravenness states, catagorically, an I quote, "If it ain't fun, it ain't worth doin!"

So Raven, now, he's flyin around, an he's thinkin, "Man! This worrying about crashing into all these new things, especially one of those Giant Mountain Goats, is seriously harshing my mellow!"

I mean think about it. I bet you don't even like ta walk around in the dark, an here's poor Raven havin ta fly in it.

An talkin 'bout walkin around in th' dark, here's th' other thing, see?

Now... Down there on that ground what th' rock turned into, there was all these people! Yup, people! An they was all walkin around - In the dark. (I might will tell ya where all them people come from, an I might will not, dependin. But Raven may, or may not, a' made them, see? again, dependin. That Old Raven, well he's not exactly what ya'd call a god, leastways not in the way we funny lookin white people (who came along later, an really messed things up) think. Nah. Most a' the time Raven's a lot more subtle than that, see? Raven's got a sense of humor! Raven ain't opposed ta the occasional fart joke. Which ya just can't say about the Big G. [That ol' boy has no sense a humor a 'tall. Leastwise none what I ever heard tell of.])

So anyway, all these people who were out there now, walkin around, (in th' dark), well, they was just complainin an complainin, all... the... time! (No, no. Don vorry about me. You go out und haff your fun. Ah'll just zit here alone. In za dark.) On account'a they couldn't see neither. So they kept walkin inta things, like th' big trees, an breakin their noses. Which hurts! Or else they was stubbin their toes on th' roots a th' big trees, or on rocks, an otherwise trippin, or fallin off 'a th' mountains, or inta th' (now) Not so Primal Ocean, or gettin all turned around, an then goin home to th' wrong house! An so, see? there was all these mixups, on account'a nobody could see who was who.

Ya know how it is. It's late, yer tired. Ya been walkin around in the dark all day long! Tryin ta make an honest livin, see? Yer bruised, yer tired, yer not payin the closest attention ta things, ta th fine details, ya know? ya find a door, ya go on in an jump inta bed... an the NEXT thing ya know, there's all these KIDS! out there runnin around, an carryin on, an just generally causin' a ruckus! but who can know what kid belongs ta who? on account'a ya can't look at th' kid an say," well, him, or her, looks just like so an so..."

On account'a - It's still dark!

An so Raven, well, I tell ya what, he finally got so fed up, what with all th' people complainin about crashin inta stuff all th' time, an what with all th' kids screamin, an runnin around, an carryin on like hooligans (hooligans as in they was rowdy, not as in they was small oily fishes [candlefish some call em, since ya can cut off th' head an then light the body with a match, an then they burn just like a candle. A candle what smells just like fish, yup, they's got a real strong fishy smell. So's I s'pose, if yer inta th' scented candle thing... Huh. I'm kind'a surprised they ain't no one's out there sellin 'em already.]) Anyways, Raven he finally got so fed up, what with all the ruckus, an noise, an carryin on, that he flew off ta someplace nice an quiet. Somewheres he could think undisturbed. Somewheres away from all th' eternal kvetching.

Now when he got there, he set hisself down, an he scratched his head, an he thought ta hisself. "Now where the devil can the Sun be? I know there has to be one around here somewhere."

Now, how it is what Raven knew there had ta be a Sun around? I don't know. (I mean, Raven an me? we're pretty close friends an all that, we're tight, ya know? but still, Raven... Well, he likes ta keep secrets, see? Says it gives him an air of - Mystery - An who am I ta say contrary?)

So, how's it was exactly that Raven knew there was a Sun around, (an maybe also a moon an some stars), I can't exactly say. My guess is, he's got somethin' like an all access pass. So a lot 'a the time he just knows stuff.

It's kinda spooky.

So Raven, he thought for a bit, an then he thought for a bit more, an a bit more, an he finally concluded that thinkin just wasn't gettin him nowhere fast.

"So - Now what?"

(That's what Raven thought next.)

Well then. Next, Raven he thought about not thinkin about what ta do next. An he didn't think about that, an he didn't think about that, and then he didn't think about that some more, an then this (metaphorical) light bulb lit up over his head, all sudden like!

Like a big, "Ah Ha!" ya know? (Now's I think about it, it was more like a Big Flashin Neon Sign than a light bulb.)

So Raven, well he shouted out "Eureka!" an did a little Raven dance, (Ravens like ta dance, an hop, an just generally carry on when things are goin good.) But fortunately Raven, he didn't bother with the whole runnin through th' streets naked thing. (Th' only thing uglier than a naked Greek Philospher runnin through th' streets would surely be a naked Raven running through the streets. [An do not ask me how I know that...])

Also, there weren't no streets yet.

An so, this is what Raven decided ta do.

Raven decided ta become, th' worlds first... Detective!

To be continued...