Raven sez - "Don't you even think about it!" Grocery parking lot, Wasilla, AKA long, long, time ago, in a Land, (which has had many different names over the last five thousand or so years, the most current being Iraq), far, far, away, (but as Iraq just isn't germane to my purposes today, I'm gonna use the ancient name of Sumer), there lived, The Sumerians!
They were a great and noble people, and they ruled Mesopotamia, (see? that's another name for the same place right there!), for a couple plus thousand years.
(Mesopotamia, for those of you who aren't in the know, is Greek for Between the Rivers. The Tigris and Euphrates rivers, to be exact.)
Huh. Well... that's awkward. Mesopotamia being a greek name, I mean. Ya gotta wonder, did the Sumerians call it "Mesopotamia"? I doubt it. In fact, I'd bet my left pinky toe they didn't call it "Mesopotamia" at all! They might still have called it "the land between the rivers", which is, exactly, "mesopotamia", but in akkadian, instead of greek. And while there are still lots of people who speak greek as their native tongue, who speaks akkadian in this day and age? I mean, I'm pretty sure some people might still be able to read it, here and there, at colleges mostly, I'd bet. But speak it? Without an accent? Not likely, I'm telling you!
See how it is? This whole name issue is another one of those things that makes history so difficult. Same location, totally different alphabet, language, and name! Shoot you can end up arguing with someone you agree with 100%, just cause you're using a different name for the same person, place, or thing. (Why am I suddenly flashing on after school special and saturday morning tv?)
So I think every place should only be allowed to have one name.
Oh damn. That won't work either. Folks will start right in fighting over who gets to name what, and who has the right, and "We were here first!", and "Well, that's not what WE call it!" and in the case of like, the Original names, the names given before we invented writing? Well, how do we even determine how to pronounce them? We already know that there's not a whole lot of native Akkadian speakers running around today. (No, not Acadian! Akkadian. It's totally different. So sorry, no Jambalaya, Crawfish Pie, or File Gumbo for like the next, oh, 4,000 years.) But at least the akkadians had writing! Where ya gonna find a native speaker of, say, Proto-Ugaritic? (Especially this time of night, and in this neighborhood?)
Regarding the whole greek name thing. I do like the Greek language, even tho I've never actually studied it. But I have figured out certain little bits and pieces of how it works over the years, so, "Hey everybody, watch me do this!"
(The above is an "alert" cry of the now endangered Greater American Redneck. It is usually uttered by a junior male of the tribe - who are all, for some unknown reason, called, "Bubba"* - as he prepares engage in some form of difficult, or risky activity, with the express purpose of impressing either his fellow tribesmen, and thereby gaining status, or impressing a potential mate, and thereby gaining access to pussy. It is usually uttered after the second keg has been tapped, and just prior to the unfortunate accident.)
In Greek, just like German. You can take two separate words + a glue-stick, et voila! Compound words!
Macro = Big, Micro = small, and Meso = middle/between! So, meso + potamous (river) = Mesopotamia! The Mississippi is sometimes called The Big River! So in Greek it would be - The Macropotamous!
It's simple, see? Here's some more!
Hippo (horse) + Kampos (sea monster) = Hippocampus (aka the Sea Horse! and also a brain structure said to somewhat resemble a sea horse), and Hippo + potamous = Hippopotamus! Which is, of course, the Hippopotamus! But I think the Greeks must have been drinking on that one, cause they don't look anything like a horse to me. But river elephant? Elephopotamous? Nah that doesn't quite work either. No trunk. Oh well.
And now! Back to Sumer!
And how are we to get there?
No worries, I know just the guy. Hey Dr! Dr? Now where the devil did he disappear to?
Well hell. Now what?
Wait a minute! I know exactly who I'm gonna call!
Yo! Mr Peabody! -
"Quickly Sherman! Into the WABAC Machine!" ( it's pronounced "way back".)
"Where are we going today, Mr Peabody?"
"The Plain of Shinar, Sumer 2,600 BC!"
"Um, Mr Peabody?"
"Yes Sherman?"
"We don't seem to be going anywhere."
"That is true Sherman, and we will continue to go nowhere until you push the Big Red Button."
"Oh yeah. That's right."
(Lots of noise and flashing lights, smoke effects, shaky camera work, ending with a loud bang, and bright flash of light!)
"We have now arrived at the great Walled City of Uruk! Quickly Sherman! Let us disembark the WABAC machine, for if we are celeritous in our perambulation we may have the excellent good fortuity to apprehend the recitation of one of the great Sumerian Epic poems at one of the local nightclubs."
"Nightclub? Um, Mr Peabody?"
"Yes Sherman?"
"I'm not old enough to drink."
"Sherman, Sherman, Sherman... We are now in Ancient Sumer. Can you pick up a glass?"
"Why yes, Mr Peabody."
"Then you're old enough to drink."
"Oh... And what poem might we hear here Mr Peabody?"
"Hear here! Oh my, that is amusing... hear here... Well, Sherman, perhaps tonight we'll hear here the ancient story of Atrahasis and the Flood, or the newest version of the Epic of Gilgamesh that's making the rounds, perhaps even a reading from Tablet XI, which contains a reworking of the Atrahasis story into the story of The Immortal Utnapishtim and the Flood."
"Um, Mr Peabody?"
"What is it now Sherman?"
"I don't speak Sumerian."
"It's like I'm working alone here.... Sherman, what are we?"
"We? Mr Peabody?"
"Yes Sherman, we, us, you and I, the two of us... Please observe. We are cartoon characters Sherman, are we not?"
"Well, yes, Mr Peabody."
"And what language has been used exclusively in EVERY episode to date Sherman?"
"Well, english, Mr Peabody."
"And why should today be different?"
"I'll shut up now Mr Peabody."
"I think that would be wise, Sherman."
What I did on my Sumer vacation!
(sorry, now I'm flashing back to grade school.)
Alright! We made it! We're back in Sumer! On the plain of Shinar! A time of legend. In the land where Civilization, Writing, and Literature were invented!
OK. Sorry. That's not true. There was lots of important stuff happening elsewhere on the planet... I just sorta experienced a little temporary lapse there. Sometimes we old people do that. Start talking about the old days. You know, the whole, "When I was a kid" thing, so I kinda fell back into the Oldschool Western Civilization Ethnocentric Education Perspective that was pounded into us children in the olden times.
(For those of you not familiar with that system of education/belief, here's a brief synopsis.)
The OldSchool Western Civilization Ethnocentric Education Perspective was the system under which we older Americans, (those of us borned prior to the late sixties), were taught that all Art, Truth, and Beauty, were contained exclusively in the paintings, sculpture, music, and the philosophical and other writings of, "Old Dead White Guys". The original dead guys being exclusively Greek, followed by the Romans, many of whose works were lost and only centuries later rediscovered, (sometimes because of, and at other times in spite of, The Church). They were then filtered through the more or less exclusively male lens of The Renaissance, and then The Enlightenment, and then 1950's textbook editorial committees, and then, and only then, included in our textbooks. (Which is why we quite often didn't recognize them, at all, when they were presented to us in their original, unedited format, oh so many years later.)
But, to put it quite simply, the primary tenet of the old view can be pithily summed up in the following paraphrase, and I quasi quote,
"If it's not Grrrreek, it's Crrrrrrrrraaaaap !!!!"
Well, except for holy scripture.
We were taught that the holy scriptures were written in our bibles by the very index finger of Big G Himself ! (I mean, since when does an omnipotent being need Guttenberg!) So we certainly couldn't (on peril of our immortal souls) question those!
And yes, even though the Hebrew old testament wasn't originally written in Greek, since it was merely prologue for the important stuff that followed that didn't particularly count against it. Besides, it had already been translated into greek for the egyptian jews, (greek speaking egyptian jews? How convenient is that? The hand of divine providence without a doubt!) sometime between 200 and 300 BCE. It is called the septuagint, and the christians promptly co-opted it, (to avoid incurring translation costs, I expect. And I'll bet you anything that they never paid shekel one in royalties!) as a part of their holy scripture!
I must admit that in those simpler, long ago times, the old testament was often taught to us christian children with a certain implicit, well actually, very often explicit air of, "The Jews did not then, and do not to this very day, understand what their own scriptures were foretelling! And as a consequence of their ignorance they shall all assuredly burn in hellfire" smugness and patronizing christian certitude. (My goodness, ann coulter! what are you doing here?)
No. It was the new testament that was important! That was the part that really mattered, (or so we were taught), and it was written in Greek! (As noted above, though I think Greek looks like fun, I don't read Greek, so I must trust other sources), and these sources inform me that most all of the new testament is written in very good Greek. Literate, educated, Greek. Other bits of it will be write in greek what wasn't heretofore so perfect sometimes. (Evidently Mark has some issues with tense agreement.) But why should tense agreement matter? Where the Omniscient Big G is concerned, the past, the present, and the future, must all be the same.
Now, as to exactly why the new testament should be written in Greek, I can't really say, since, so far as I can determine, not one of the original twelve, nor Christ himself, either spoke or was capable of writing Greek. Which really does makes it seem a rather odd choice of language. One would be inclined to think, given the supposed circumstances, that aramaic would have suited better. I guess it's just another one of those... Mysteries.... they keep telling us not to worry about. (Though I must say that I, personally, am totally and absolutely certain that Jesus, being the consubstantial Son of Big G, could absolutely have either spoken, or written, absolutely flawless Greek. If ever he'd a mind to.)
But again, I digress -
Now it's time to meet our hero Gilgamesh!
Gilgamesh!
Start Black
Sound over black:
- Martial Music -
Lots of percussion, goatskin drums, timbrels, shofars,
in a sort of John Williams meets Danny Elfman while
hanging out and partying in Ancient Assyria kind of style.
Dissolve into
Shot 1:
Wide shot, the plains of Shinar. Walls of the Great Walled City of Uruk
in the distance.
Sound:
Hoofbeats and Chariot approaching from behind.
Voiceover:
It was a time of Legend!
Woman's voice:
Gilgamesh!
Shot 2:
Chariot racing hell bent for leather towards
the Great Griffin Gate of the Great Walled City of Uruk.
Camera move:
Start ground level, chariot passes close left from behind,
slow boom up as chariot shrinks in the distance.
Shot 3:
Watchman on tower sees chariot approaching,
turns to shout to the Gatekeepers.
Camera move:
Start high with chariot in distance, watchman enters shot
bottom left, looks out across plain, camera booms down
and zooms in as watchman turns, shouts, finish with
watchman full face, left of center.
Shot 4:
Guards burst from barracks, race to open the Griffin Gate.
Camera move:
tracking dolly shot of Guards as they run towards the Gate.
Shot 5:
Guards pulling gates open, chariot enters when there's
just barely enough room to pass through.
Camera move:
Start head height, wide shot, pan as chariot passes
left to right through frame, through market square
scattering goats, duck, people in its way.
Woman's voice:
Gilgamesh!
Shot 6:
Chariot screeches to stop at base of
The Great Stair which leads up to the Palace.
Woman's voice:
Gilgamesh!
Shot 7:
Slaves take reins from hand of Hunky Young Guy (Gilgamesh)
Shot 8:
Head shot, Gilgamesh looks up Great Stair,
hears woman's voice scream
"Gilgamesh!" Makes face...
Shot 9:
Tight shot, ground level, hunky feet appear, wearing hunky designer
sandals (by Enki of Inanna designs) as Gilgamesh jumps from
chariot, runs toward stair.
Camera move:
boom up as Gilgamesh runs up stairs.
(may add shot to emphasize Gilgamesh's broad
shoulders, perfect hair, tight little... never mind)
Shot 10:
Palace doors opened by door wards/slaves
Gilgamesh races through.
Camera move:
Start door center on open, pan and follow
Gilgamesh through frame - left to right,
right to left, I mean, really, who cares...
Shot 11:
Door wards/slaves close door, exchange knowing looks, smiles.
Shot 12:
Gilgamesh racing through palace hallway
Camera move:
Dolly shot, Gilgamesh in profile, show perfect hair
glistening flawless golden skin, sculpted biceps,
perfect pecs, six pack, square manly jaw
(maybe slo-mo)
Woman's voice:
Gilgamesh!
Shot 13:
Gilgamesh racing through another palace hallway.
Camera move:
Gilgamesh enters shot from right, pan follow.
Shot 14:
Gilgamesh racing through yet another hallway, towards
The Big Doors!
camera move:
static shot from behind as Gilgamesh approaches door
to give scale, it's a BIG door, a really BIG DOOR,
a really, really, really BIG DOOR!
Shot 15:
Royal Dining room, lots of gold, frescos on walls, fine carvings.
Matronly looking woman dressed in height of Akkadian fashion,
lots of glossy black hair. perfectly coifed in high akkadian style.
Starts with back to camera, turns, opens mouth to scream again.
Shot 16:
Gilgamesh trying to sneak through door.
(It's a REALLY BIG DOOR)
Shot 17:
Woman closes mouth, frowns, opens mouth again, screams
Gilgamesh! by Ahura Mazda! Where in the name of Enlil
have you been!! Your dinners cold!!
Shot 18:
Woman chasing Gilgamesh around the dinner table whacking him
with a big wooden spoon, while his father King Lugalbanda,
(Sean Connery, if we can get him) Fourth King of Uruk
laughs uproariously.
Title:
The Epic of Gilgamesh
Music:
Something new, maybe some sort of Urban Akkadian,
Hip Hop / Fusion Jazz sort of thing.
Wide shot:
Market square in Uruk, lots of trading, maybe some slaves or prisoners
in chains. (slaves, prisoners, same difference, whatever) Baskets
of dates and figs, some touring Egyptian Break Dancers, maybe some
New Nubian Hip Hop. Bunches of wide eyed Ibri (think "country mice in the
big city") wandering around with their goats thinking "Man, we got to get
us some a this!" Ducks and geese wandering around, shitting on everything.
Maybe some asses and camels.
Voiceover:
Join Gilgamesh Prince of Uruk, his best friend Enkidu the Wildman,
some seriously crazy, and often horny, Gods and Goddesses! (One of whom
earlier tried to destroy all of creation, or at least the Sumerians,
with a Really Big Flood.) An immortal named Utnapishtim, (who was
made an immortal for surviving the flood with two of all living things,
and repopulating the world, or at least Sumer), daemons, maybe a demiurge
or an aeon or two, (who knows) on their wacky adventures in search of -
The Secret of Eternal Life!
(It's really high concept, I don't know why no one has optioned it.)
But ENOUGH about those crazy Sumerian Royals!
I see you are confused.
"What has this to do with Raven?" you may be wondering.
Well I'm getting to that, in my own time. And I will make things clear in my next post of - The Continuing Adventures of Raven!
Unless I get sidetracked somehow.
But seriously, when has that ever happened?
So I wouldn't worry about it.
*This would be an excellent subject for someones Doctoral Thesis.
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