Photo - Autumn on the Little Susitna River.
(Got your attention, didn't I? And it really isn't gratuitous, as shall, I hope, become apparent.)
The first in a multi-part post that will reveal "The truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth" about a subject near and dear to my heart, and one without which none of us would be here. (I'd finish with "So help me God", but I don't believe in him....)
I remember it like it happened yesterday.
Hell, I remember it like it happened five minutes ago. I bet you remember it too, it isn't something anyone would be likely to forget. (Unless you're one of those losers who can't remember your first "real" kiss, or even worse the first time you got laid. [So, just how drunk or wasted were you anyway?])
"And just what, exactly, is this 'it' ? " You ask?
"Well," I reply, "to make an obscure reference to another author, I call it The Moment."
"Ah yes..." (You nod sagely) " The Moment. Exactly! The (stretch it out) Moment."
"Yup, that's it The Moment." (Still clueless? Oh alright, I will explicate re The Moment - As for the Author referenced? You're on your own.)
The Moment can occur, as it did in my case, long before your first real kiss, or it can be that first real kiss, the kiss you should always remember, the kiss that made everything clear to you, the kiss when you knew.
Over the years I have come to understand that life is... complicated, to say the least, and the Moment happens at different times for everyone. For me it happened before I even knew it was about sex, (It was a much, much more innocent age. Long before MTV, Cable and Internet Porn, Hooking Up, FWB, and Booty Calls.) And over the way too many years that have passed since, I've met quite a few folks for whom it happened after marriage, children, mortgages, cats, dogs, etc. And when that happens, well? Life suddenly gets a lot more complicated for everyone involved. But when the Moment arrives, and denial in no longer possible, everything has to change.
Now loads of folks have written about their first kiss, (real or imaginary), or the first time they got laid (usually entirely imaginary). In our confessional modern age it's de rigueur to recount, to share those moments, often in excessively precise, and unnecessarily clinical detail. (What's the difference between Literature and Porn? About twelve dollars in hardback. (It used to be eighteen, but now most magazines come with a "free" six dollar CD.)) Hell, given the advances in technology these days, there are probably cell phone pics and video of the Moment online. Sexting anyone? But it's pointless to tell a high-school or college kid that their web launched Kodak moments are now forever, and more and more employers know where to find them. Good luck on the job search.... (In the old days, we could at least buy back or destroy the negatives.)
Still, I haven't read too many true and factual accounts of The Moment.
So here is mine. (Exactly as it happened, and totally unembellished. I promise.) - As an aside, I do have to say that my first real kiss was way, way, better than I had ever imagined. Woof!! Sigh... Even all these years, and one or two additional good kisses later, that memory is really just... It's still really... She was... Wow... Is it getting warm in here...? or is it just...? Um...
Would you excuse me for a minute or ten? I'll be right back....
OK. That's loads better.
But in all honesty, the stuff that came later? Well let me qualify that - Second and Third Base? Sweet, Sweet, Sweet!
But Fourth Base?
You know - Going all the way? Hitting a Home Run? Hitting it out of the Park? Sliiiiiding into Home Base? Yippee Kai Yay Motherf___r? Bumpin Uglies? Knockin Boots? Boffing? Balling? Bouncing? Gettin Laid? Screwing? Playin "Hide the Salami"? (And yes, I know - it's pretty much never a Salami.) Makin Whoopie? Booty Call? Gettin Some? Nookie? ("Ain't no nookie like Chinookie!!") Badger in the Hole? Making the Beast with two backs? Stuffin the Muffin? Actual Sexual Intercourse?
Very First time...?
Sweet...?
Not so much.
I mean Jesus...
Who would ever think inserting Tab A into Slot B could be so damn complicated and stressful? (I have to presume it's just as complicated if you're both Tab A's, or Slot B's, just complicated in a different way. And beyond two? God, I've had enough trouble trying to figure it out with only one other person, I can't imagine trying to deal with more. But then again, maybe at an orgy you don't have to deal with anyone as an individual at all. Never been there, never done that. So I don't know nothin as far as that is concerned.)
Still there comes a time, after all the preliminaries have finally been gotten out of the way, that you find yourself there, at the tense and shaky moment of ultimate truth, and there, at that last possible second before, that second after which nothing will ever be the same again, (as if things weren't stressful and complicated enough already), there, at that instant, as you stand or lie there naked. Naked! Before the entire world. (Or the only part of it that matters to you right then.) There, at the last, final, possible, instant of total commitment! There, At The Moment of Truth! You are unmistakably informed of The Secret! The terrible, horrific, unbearable secret...
Tab A or Slot B (depending) has a Mind of its OWN!!!
- A howl of unsupportable anguish penetrates the Galactic Void -
(The Galactic Void, sadly, is the only thing that's gonna get penetrated tonight.)
Who knew that Tab A and Slot B had minds of their own? Huh??!!
Why didn't anyone ever warn us about that!!?? Hmmmm??? Unlike a lot of the stuff we were taught in Sex Ed, that's a piece of useful information!!! Why is that left out of Sex Ed programs? Seriously! Just ask yourself, "Would my life have been simpler, and happier, if I had known that from the start?"
Just imagine...
Sex Ed Teacher: "Now girls! Oops, sorry. Young Women. You must understand that your Mind, and your Pussy (Vagina, while a lovely word just sounds so... clinical.) will often disagree, sometimes greatly, over just who should be allowed access to your Secret Garden, Jade Gate, Celestial Chamber, Ivory Temple, Gates of Heaven, Golden Chamber, Temple of Love, Gates of Paradise, Honey Pot, Pot of Gold, Golden Temple, Garden of Earthly Delights, Heavenly Palace, Rainbows End, Sugar Grotto, Plum Basket, Tunnel of Love, etc, etc. Yes my dears, access to your sweet Temple of Poon. (at this point she sighs deeply) Well my dears, speaking from personal experience, I'm afraid I must say that it is quite the conundrum, and one for which there is currently no satisfactory solution. I fear you must simply make the best of the situation. Just remember my dears, you have been warned.
And: Girls, you need to understand that even though every boys "Mr Happy" (see clinical note above)
[A point of explanation - The word "Cock" and/or any of its multitudinous synonyms, usually preceded by a superlative such as, "huge", "enormous", "gigantic", etc, etc... you get the picture, are generally reserved for those flights of male fantasy which are sent off to certain magazines, websites, etc, in hopes they will see the light of display on a website, or (old school) of ink on paper.]
I suppose it is good to have some aspirations.
To continue - "So, my Dears, while "Mr Happy" will always desire the unattainable, that fact will seldom, alright, never, (with one possible exception, see "Nice Guy", below), prevent him from taking full advantage of any opportunity that presents itself, including - but certainly not limited to, and please remember this girls - his hand, (either one, or both, if he's lucky) a sunwarmed watermelon, pillows, warm apple pie, sheep or other small livestock, and chemically impaired judgement on your part. From which naturally arises the "Men are Dogs" analogy.
Or, in the words of the Immortal Lenny Bruce, "A man will fuck mud."
And: "Always remember, boys and girls, that ugly gets better and better looking as the lights get dimmer, and your blood alcohol rises, which will lead, invariably, to the dreaded 'Coyote Morning.' "
And: (Pre Viagra, Levitra, Cialis...) "When Tab A isn't, for whatever reason, into her, or him, nothing will happen." (Talk about humiliating, for both parties.)
Tune in tomorrow for Part 2 of "Choosing Straight"
The Curse of the Nice Guy.
(Truly, it is a fate worse than Death!!!!!)
Same Bat time. Same Bat station.
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