Raven contemplates his next move. Grocery parking lot, Wasilla AK
So Raven, He was out flyin one day -
Well, truth be told, it wasn’t really "day" yet, on account ’a the Old Man still had The Sun, The Moon, an The Stars (but no four leaf clovers), all locked up in this Big Cedar Box, inside his house. (I’ll tell ya ‘bout "The Old Guy an' the Cedar Box" later - an’ no, I don’t got no idea why the Sun didn’t just burn that Cedar Box all up inta cinders. Maybe it was some kind'a Magic Box! (I had a girlfriend with one 'a those once't. Damn I miss her....))
So anyways, there was Raven, out flyin around in the dark. Which must’a been really annoyin’, an’ maybe kind'a a little scary, what with the risk’a flyin inta things an' all, if there was any, things that is. But who could know? on account'a, it was dark!
But Old Raven still, He was just out there flyin around in the dark cause that’s what Ravens really like to do, fly I mean. Just not usually in the dark. But Raven, see, He can only do one thing at a time, an’ right then His beak was full up with this stupid rock He picked up somewhere, in the dark. Prob’ly ‘cause He thought it was a good idea at the time. Pickin up the rock I mean.
C’mon, don’t tell me you ain't never done nothin stupid on account'a "It seemed to be a good idea at the time.”
That’s Ravens favorite quote from The Magnificent Seven, ya know? that an’ “Badges? We don’t need no stinkin badges!”
No, wait, that’s from Treasure a' the Sierra Madre, through The Monkees, Blazing Saddles, an' John Belushi in The Killer Bees, on SNL.
What a loss that was... Belushi, I mean. Raven thought John Belushi kicked ass!
Samurai Delicatessen... Animal House... The Blues Brothers...
Raven an Belushi, they would'a been tight, ya know?
Shit…. Where was I?
Oh yeah. So anyway, Raven, He’s out there flyin around in the dark with this stupid rock in his beak, an' He starts ta thinkin. (OK, so maybe Raven can do more than one thing at a time. I gotta remember that.)
Now there’s a whole lotta shit I can tell ya ‘bout Raven, some good, some bad, well, more good than bad I think, but one thing I can tell ya fer sure, Raven? Well? He gets bored kinda easy, has a short attention span, ya know? kinda ADHD, which is why He gets into trouble sometimes.
So Raven, He’s out there flyin around in the dark carrying this rock in his beak, an’ He starts ta thinkin, “Why the hell am I flying around with this stupid rock in my beak, in the dark? What a stupid thing to do. What if I get hungry? What if I want to talk to somebody? How will they understand what I am saying if I have this stupid rock in my beak? It’s not like I’m playing Eliza Dolittle in My Fair Lady, it’s not like I have to learn to enunciate.”
(Raven’s really proud’a his vocabulary)
So Raven -
He opens up his beak,
an’ he drops that rock,
an’ it falls down.
A long, long,
loooooong,
way down,
until it goes
- splash! -
inta the Primal Ocean. (Which was all there was at the time.)
Well, that an’ the Sky, where Raven was flying around over the face a' the waters in the dark....
Holy shit!
Wow! I gotta think ‘bout that for a second...
So Raven.. He was Movin, over the face a' the water...
in.. the... dark....!
Damn! I never thought 'bout it like that before. That could mean. That could mean that Raven... that Raven! was the Spirit a’ God, moving over the face a’ the waters!!
Nah….
So anyway, after He went an’ dropped that rock, Ol' Raven He sure was happy ta hear that
- splash! -
on account’a it told Him where the Primal Ocean was, so now He didn’t have ta worry ‘bout flyin inta the water an' gettin all wet no more. (Raven didn’t have no IFR* certificate, see? but since there weren’t no FAA yet, it wasn’t like they could fine him, ya know? pull His pilots license, or any a’ that shit.)
Still, He was flyin around, in the dark, over the Primal Ocean, an’ what with havin no altimeter, no instruments, no heads up display, no nothin! it was good to know, fer sure, where that damn water was.
So that rock, it falls down into the Primal Ocean
- splash! -
an’ the strangest thing happens. It, (the rock), it don’t sink to the bottom a’ the Ocean (which fer sure would’a been another loooong trip down, on account’a this was the Primal Ocean, an’ prob’ly didn’t have no bottom) like ya’d expect, but that rock, well it started ta swell up, an’ swell an’ swell, ya know? sort’a like those weirdass little novelty pellets you used ’ta could buy out’a the backs a' comics. Them thingies what turns inta monkeys or swamp-thing or whatever when ya add water to em, ya remember those? those weirdass little crispy sponge thingies what swell up when they get wet? Well, that’s what that damn rock did, it swelled up, an’ swelled up, an’ swelled up, until finally it turned inta all the land that there is today!
Which is good, on account‘a otherwise I’d be a fish, or a whale, or some damn swimmy kind'a thing, an’ then how would I type? No fingers, see? just flippers or fins ya know? and certainly no MacBook Pro.
No Shit.
An’ I bet whales an’ fishes can’t even read, no matter if they do swim around in schools all day. An’ that’s what ya’d all be! Fishes or whales I mean, (Ishmael was wrong, by the way, whales ain’t fishes!) so what would be the point’a my writin’ anything anyways?
But Raven? Well now He’s happier 'n a cat with two tails (I was gonna say "happier 'n a dog with two d...s," but there might be kids readin this.) on account’a He don’t gotta worry ‘bout fallin in the Primal ocean no more, ‘cause now He’s got some place dry to go hang out, and He don’t have that stupid rock in his beak no more.
An that’s how we got dry land.
*IFR - Instrument Flight Rating
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