So, dj'ya ever sat down an had a talk with Satan?
I mean seriously. Ya ever summoned up Old Nick, Lucifer, The Evil One, The Adversary, Good Ol Satan hisself, an then had a nice sit down an share a cold one talk? Shot the shit. Had a bull session? Just Talk? Ya know, "life, the universe an everything"? "So long an thanks for all the fish?" Whatever?
I mean, I bet Ol' Nick, he's just as fond of a good microbrew as anyone. What with the eternal flames an brimstone an all, I bet he can work up a powerful thirst. I bet he can. Yeah, he'd surely be wantin a cold one, an some beernuts, or maybe some pretzels? A little beef jerky maybe. It's not all cakes an ale bein' "Lord of the Underworld", "The Prince of Darkness", "His Satanic Majesty", "The Adversary", etc etc etc...
S'not fair ya know, that G gets all the good press. Shit. Ya'd think the liberal media was in his pocket. G's pocket, I mean. Course when ya can send folks what piss you off ta hell where they'll burn for all eternity, it kinda puts a damper on the dialogue, ya know?
So anyway, I was workin on my house a few years ago.
I'm buildin a house, did I tell ya that? Been workin on it for a few years now. Don't think it'll ever be finished, that's the way it goes with housebuildin, but anyway, I'm livin there these days, pluggin away as the money comes in, and I get th' motivation.
But it's hard ta be motivated all the time, ya know? Which is one reason why it ain't done yet. Some days, specially long about December and January, when it's dark all the time, an 30 below, it's hard enough just gettin my sorry ass out'a bed, let alone gettin' it actually workin, or doin somethin productive. Th' other reason is I'm doin a lot of it out'a pocket, an since I ain't independently wealthy, an ain't likely to ever be...
So anyway, back a few years ago, I decided to build me a house, mostly 'cause I figured I'd never get paid enough in my line 'a work to afford a house I'd want to live in. (I got this aversion to 700 square foot slab on grade ranch style houses divided up into five little tiny rooms on a 7,500 square foot lot. Go figure.) So I bought me an acre an a half out in the middle a nowhere, an when I got that paid off I started work on my house.
It's nice, two stories, 1,600 square feet. Lots'a windows facin south ta catch the sun. Long about February I get enuf solar gain that th' heater don't kick on durin the daytime, (if the sun is shinin, which it ain't all that often in february in southcentral alaska), but that's neither here nor there.
So anyway, I started out kinda late in the year on account'a tryin ta figger out what ta do, an it was back in the middle a that damn stupid Bush tariff war with Canada over wood products, so 7/16ths sheet goods, OSB an stuff like that out'a Canada, was 20 bucks a sheet!
20 Bucks a Sheet! Jesus! It was ridiculous!
So I was holdin off, waitin, ya know? for maybe th' price ta come down a bit, when all of a sudden th' Anchorage Lowes an HoDep gets involved in a price war with their sheet goods. (This was before Lowes and HoDep opened branches out in the valley.) An from 20 bucks a sheet for 7/16s OSB, HoDep drops their 7/16ths OSB down ta 11 bucks! 11 Bucks! Well I tell ya, just ta check, I ran across the street ta Lowes, (or maybe they were still Eagle back then? Nah, I'm pretty sure they were Lowes), anyway, an not only had they matched HoDeps price for 7/16ths, but they went an dropped the price on ALL their OSB sheet goods! 7/16ths, 9/16ths, (or was it 5/8ths? Don't matter), an 3/4 T&G Sturdi Floor! All at half price! So I decided this was a message from God or somethin' that it was time ta start on my house. So I walked up ta the contractor counter, an ordered my sheet lumber package from Lowes. An since saved over 11 hundred dollars, well hell, I figgered that I could spring the 90 bucks it cost ta have them deliver!
So now I'm committed see, I gotta do it see, cause I got nowhere to store the stuff, an if I leave it sittin on the lot all winter, well, it's likely ta develop feet an wander off, if ya know what I mean. (There's a great an noble tradition out here in the valley, of folks building their houses with materials an tools stolen from other peoples worksites. So smart folks nail it down or lock it up. An even then stuff disappears. Those thieve'en son's a bitches is creative, I'll give em that. If they applied all those smarts to actual work they could pay somebody else ta build their damn house FOR them. But I digress.) So, next thing ya know, I'm spendin money like I actually got some, (I got one a those through the mail loans, ya know the ones? 10, 20, 40 grand? whatever? Pay it off over ten years? Fixed interest? They ain't a great deal, an ya really need to read the fine print, (written, I'm told, in that teeny tiny "enron-beelzbub" font), but after the tenth time ya walk into a bank an say "owner builder" an their eyes kinda glaze over, or they look at ya like yer crazy, (Capitol C), an then they start with the bullshit, well let me tell you, I'm not a violent person, but I came pretty close ta doin some a those lazy ass bank loan officers grievous bodily harm. I'm tellin you. Some friends told me later 'bout credit unions, an let me tell you, I LOVE my credit union. But that's all a lot later on than this story. But just so ya know, I ain't never gonna do ANY business with a bank never again. Specially bank loan officers. Lazy ass sons'a bitches. Hate em.)
Where was I?
Oh yeah...
So I do the form work for the footers, (they're oversize, an after six years there aint a crack in em anywhere!) an put up the insulfoam blocks for the foundation walls, (R-22!) and got them filled, an then let em set for a couple a weeks, then I started on the deck for the first floor
Now, getting the form work for the footers perfect an square was a pain in the ass at first, cause I tried to do it the old fashioned way, with a tape measure, and masons twine, an batter boards, an a plumb bob, an I'd get one corner nice an square, an then I'd get the second corner nice an square, and then I'd try for the third corner, and I'd get it square to the first corner, but it wouldn't be square to the second corner, so I'd tweak that till it was right, an then the first corner would be off, so I'd think "fuck it! OK, I'll try the fourth corner an come back to the third corner later." An so I'd start on the fourth corner, an now the first an second corners aren't square any more, an, an, an.
Well this went on for a couple a days, an I killed several trees in the immediate area with profanity poisoning, and banged my thumb with the hammer, an got all tangled up in the stupid mason twine, and I NEVER! NEVER! could get ALL FOUR CORNERS square! I was like to have a stroke or something. So finally I said "Fuck It!" And ran down to Hodep, or maybe it was Lowes, I don't remember, maybe it was AIH (Alaska Industrial Hardware. (I love AIH.)) an bought me a Porter Cable Robo Tools Laser Square with five, (count em, FIVE!) laser points! It's a square! It's a plumb bob! It's a level! It's a gift from the fricken builder god is what it is! 200 bucks (at that point in time), an worth EVERY penny!
I got that thing out'a the case, read the directions, put in the batteries, set it up, let it do its thing, an I had four perfectly square corners in about 45 minutes. It was heaven. I did my diagonals an was within 1/4"! Actually 1/8" I think, but that was six years ago, and ya know how certain things improve with age.... Anyway, that damn footer is SQUARE! It's a thing a beauty, even if it is buried under four feet a backfill.
Anyway, this is all happenin in August, which in Alaska is REAL LATE to be startin anything like this kind a project. Especially since I was workin a full time job, (still am for that matter), so I was gettin done at work in anchortown, and then drivin out to my house site, (90 minutes if the traffic weren't bad), workin as long as I had light, (an the days are gettin shorter real fast that time a year), buttonin things up, drivin 90 minutes home ta anchortown ta eat something fast for supper, fall inta bed, an then get up in the mornin an start all over again. Makes me tired just thinkin bout it now. But I was younger then.
I mean seriously. Ya ever summoned up Old Nick, Lucifer, The Evil One, The Adversary, Good Ol Satan hisself, an then had a nice sit down an share a cold one talk? Shot the shit. Had a bull session? Just Talk? Ya know, "life, the universe an everything"? "So long an thanks for all the fish?" Whatever?
I mean, I bet Ol' Nick, he's just as fond of a good microbrew as anyone. What with the eternal flames an brimstone an all, I bet he can work up a powerful thirst. I bet he can. Yeah, he'd surely be wantin a cold one, an some beernuts, or maybe some pretzels? A little beef jerky maybe. It's not all cakes an ale bein' "Lord of the Underworld", "The Prince of Darkness", "His Satanic Majesty", "The Adversary", etc etc etc...
S'not fair ya know, that G gets all the good press. Shit. Ya'd think the liberal media was in his pocket. G's pocket, I mean. Course when ya can send folks what piss you off ta hell where they'll burn for all eternity, it kinda puts a damper on the dialogue, ya know?
So anyway, I was workin on my house a few years ago.
I'm buildin a house, did I tell ya that? Been workin on it for a few years now. Don't think it'll ever be finished, that's the way it goes with housebuildin, but anyway, I'm livin there these days, pluggin away as the money comes in, and I get th' motivation.
But it's hard ta be motivated all the time, ya know? Which is one reason why it ain't done yet. Some days, specially long about December and January, when it's dark all the time, an 30 below, it's hard enough just gettin my sorry ass out'a bed, let alone gettin' it actually workin, or doin somethin productive. Th' other reason is I'm doin a lot of it out'a pocket, an since I ain't independently wealthy, an ain't likely to ever be...
So anyway, back a few years ago, I decided to build me a house, mostly 'cause I figured I'd never get paid enough in my line 'a work to afford a house I'd want to live in. (I got this aversion to 700 square foot slab on grade ranch style houses divided up into five little tiny rooms on a 7,500 square foot lot. Go figure.) So I bought me an acre an a half out in the middle a nowhere, an when I got that paid off I started work on my house.
It's nice, two stories, 1,600 square feet. Lots'a windows facin south ta catch the sun. Long about February I get enuf solar gain that th' heater don't kick on durin the daytime, (if the sun is shinin, which it ain't all that often in february in southcentral alaska), but that's neither here nor there.
So anyway, I started out kinda late in the year on account'a tryin ta figger out what ta do, an it was back in the middle a that damn stupid Bush tariff war with Canada over wood products, so 7/16ths sheet goods, OSB an stuff like that out'a Canada, was 20 bucks a sheet!
20 Bucks a Sheet! Jesus! It was ridiculous!
So I was holdin off, waitin, ya know? for maybe th' price ta come down a bit, when all of a sudden th' Anchorage Lowes an HoDep gets involved in a price war with their sheet goods. (This was before Lowes and HoDep opened branches out in the valley.) An from 20 bucks a sheet for 7/16s OSB, HoDep drops their 7/16ths OSB down ta 11 bucks! 11 Bucks! Well I tell ya, just ta check, I ran across the street ta Lowes, (or maybe they were still Eagle back then? Nah, I'm pretty sure they were Lowes), anyway, an not only had they matched HoDeps price for 7/16ths, but they went an dropped the price on ALL their OSB sheet goods! 7/16ths, 9/16ths, (or was it 5/8ths? Don't matter), an 3/4 T&G Sturdi Floor! All at half price! So I decided this was a message from God or somethin' that it was time ta start on my house. So I walked up ta the contractor counter, an ordered my sheet lumber package from Lowes. An since saved over 11 hundred dollars, well hell, I figgered that I could spring the 90 bucks it cost ta have them deliver!
So now I'm committed see, I gotta do it see, cause I got nowhere to store the stuff, an if I leave it sittin on the lot all winter, well, it's likely ta develop feet an wander off, if ya know what I mean. (There's a great an noble tradition out here in the valley, of folks building their houses with materials an tools stolen from other peoples worksites. So smart folks nail it down or lock it up. An even then stuff disappears. Those thieve'en son's a bitches is creative, I'll give em that. If they applied all those smarts to actual work they could pay somebody else ta build their damn house FOR them. But I digress.) So, next thing ya know, I'm spendin money like I actually got some, (I got one a those through the mail loans, ya know the ones? 10, 20, 40 grand? whatever? Pay it off over ten years? Fixed interest? They ain't a great deal, an ya really need to read the fine print, (written, I'm told, in that teeny tiny "enron-beelzbub" font), but after the tenth time ya walk into a bank an say "owner builder" an their eyes kinda glaze over, or they look at ya like yer crazy, (Capitol C), an then they start with the bullshit, well let me tell you, I'm not a violent person, but I came pretty close ta doin some a those lazy ass bank loan officers grievous bodily harm. I'm tellin you. Some friends told me later 'bout credit unions, an let me tell you, I LOVE my credit union. But that's all a lot later on than this story. But just so ya know, I ain't never gonna do ANY business with a bank never again. Specially bank loan officers. Lazy ass sons'a bitches. Hate em.)
Where was I?
Oh yeah...
So I do the form work for the footers, (they're oversize, an after six years there aint a crack in em anywhere!) an put up the insulfoam blocks for the foundation walls, (R-22!) and got them filled, an then let em set for a couple a weeks, then I started on the deck for the first floor
Now, getting the form work for the footers perfect an square was a pain in the ass at first, cause I tried to do it the old fashioned way, with a tape measure, and masons twine, an batter boards, an a plumb bob, an I'd get one corner nice an square, an then I'd get the second corner nice an square, and then I'd try for the third corner, and I'd get it square to the first corner, but it wouldn't be square to the second corner, so I'd tweak that till it was right, an then the first corner would be off, so I'd think "fuck it! OK, I'll try the fourth corner an come back to the third corner later." An so I'd start on the fourth corner, an now the first an second corners aren't square any more, an, an, an.
Well this went on for a couple a days, an I killed several trees in the immediate area with profanity poisoning, and banged my thumb with the hammer, an got all tangled up in the stupid mason twine, and I NEVER! NEVER! could get ALL FOUR CORNERS square! I was like to have a stroke or something. So finally I said "Fuck It!" And ran down to Hodep, or maybe it was Lowes, I don't remember, maybe it was AIH (Alaska Industrial Hardware. (I love AIH.)) an bought me a Porter Cable Robo Tools Laser Square with five, (count em, FIVE!) laser points! It's a square! It's a plumb bob! It's a level! It's a gift from the fricken builder god is what it is! 200 bucks (at that point in time), an worth EVERY penny!
I got that thing out'a the case, read the directions, put in the batteries, set it up, let it do its thing, an I had four perfectly square corners in about 45 minutes. It was heaven. I did my diagonals an was within 1/4"! Actually 1/8" I think, but that was six years ago, and ya know how certain things improve with age.... Anyway, that damn footer is SQUARE! It's a thing a beauty, even if it is buried under four feet a backfill.
Anyway, this is all happenin in August, which in Alaska is REAL LATE to be startin anything like this kind a project. Especially since I was workin a full time job, (still am for that matter), so I was gettin done at work in anchortown, and then drivin out to my house site, (90 minutes if the traffic weren't bad), workin as long as I had light, (an the days are gettin shorter real fast that time a year), buttonin things up, drivin 90 minutes home ta anchortown ta eat something fast for supper, fall inta bed, an then get up in the mornin an start all over again. Makes me tired just thinkin bout it now. But I was younger then.
No comments:
Post a Comment