So Raven decided to become the worlds very first Private Eye, Private Dick, Private Investigator, CSI, Sleuth, Detective!
Now, I’ll tell you something you may already know. Being the very first isn’t easy. In fact, it usually sucks - as I’m certain some of you may recall, provided you were sober at the time, or if you haven’t, by some other method, erased that particular moment from your memory - as for the rest of you, you’ll understand it when you’re older. (Don't you just HATE that?)
I mean, think about it, when you’re the very first it’s a tremendous responsibility. You want to do it right. You’re setting the tone you know? the expectations for everyone who will follow. So you have to think about the succeeding generations because what you do will establish, forever, the Total Inherent Coolness Factor (henceforward TICF) of whatever “IT” is.
For eternity!
You sure as hell don’t want to “jump the shark”! No sirree! Not the first time out.
Seriously!
Do you think the first geek, nerd, dweeb, or dork, gave the matter any thought? Hmmm...?
I rest my case.
Now, for his first try, Raven magiced himself up a Calabash, loaded it with a remarkably fine Hand Rubbed Scottish Aromatic (with a little extra Latakia, for the bite), and put on a Deerstalker. (You think Sir Arthur came up with that on his own? Be serious!) And he thought to himself “How do I look?”
But there were still these two minor issues.
Firstly - Raven didn’t have a mirror.
Secondly - It was still dark!
Which meant Raven could only go with his instincts, his gut, you know?
So after a minute or two puffing away on the Calabash, (which was a kind'a pointless exercise, since he had no way to light the tobacco)...
"And why was that?" you ask.
"Why? I'll tell ya why! On account'a there wasn't No Fire yet! Remember? Jeez!"
So anyway, after puffing away on the unlit pipe for a minute or two, Raven decided that Sherlock, while brilliant, didn’t really feel like his style. Plus he couldn’t think of anyone who could play a Dr. Watson to his Sherlock.
“What about Magpie?” You ask.
Well Magpie certainly has the talent, no doubt about that. But Magpie can be such a prima donna, and then there is the whole Magpie ADHD issue, (Raven is totally focused compared to Magpie!), so Magpie was out.
There was Halibut.
Halibut has a really great look, a look that catches your attention, very British, in a sort of cubist, both eyes on the same side of the face way, (Again - You think Picasso and Braque came up with that on their own? Ha! Shows how little you know). Halibut also has the big as a barn door thing going on, but Halibut really hates to come up from the bottom of the ocean, and would certainly be a big flop on dry land.
No, no. Halibut was out.
“OK.” Raven thought, ”Who else is there?”
Maybe Walrus? Walrus might be good...
In fact, Walrus would be great! Walrus already has a great mustache, actually a brilliant mustache, a genius mustache! Shoot, give Walrus a pair of spectacles, a waistcoat, a pocket watch and a notebook, and he’d be the perfect Watson!
Well, except for one little issue...
"Issue?"
Well yes, the smell issue. Phew.
(It’s really not polite to talk about it, but, well... All Walruses have some personal hygiene issues which lead to certain, shall I say, olfactory ramifications. So always remember! It is best, when talking to a walrus, to stand upwind.)
And then there was the problem that Walrus really like to hang out with a big crowd, (like maybe a thousand plus other walruses)! No, Walrus wasn’t fond of being alone. And that was a pretty serious problem. After all, it would be hard to be Sherlock Holmes , Master Detective! with a bunch of 800 pound Walrus (Walrusses?) around.
Also, there would be a bit of difficulty when it came to taking notes, since Walrus has flippers instead of hands and fingers. In fact it’s an issue for the entire Pinniped superfamily. (Even superfamilies can have issues, you know.)
Anyway, they’re really quite sensitive about the complete absence of manual dexterity thing, so if you ever find yourself making conversation in a crowd of Walrusses, (Walri?) or any other members of the superfamily Pinnipedia, you should really try to avoid subjects like, oh, playing the piano, or speed typing, prestidigitation, or darts.
And never, ever, try to teach a Walrus card tricks.
So, I guess Sherlock Holmes is out.
The Thin Man?
No.
Miss Marple?
Never.
(Raven says he’s totally confident in his masculinity, but it is his deeply held belief that only the British can truly pull off cross dressing, as they’ve been practicing it for hundreds of years. How could he ever hope to top Shakespeare. Or Monty Python for that matter?)
Hercule Poirot?
That Dandy?
Maybe Brother Cadfael?
Brother Cadfael? Hmmm...
Cadfael was a definite possibility. He and Raven are both adventurous, and they also share a, shall I say, somewhat flexible attitude regarding what constitutes “higher authority”. And rather strong personal views about “”the letter of the law” versus “the spirit...”.
The greatest problem, however, turned out to be the complete absence of the Catholic Church.
Which, of course, meant that there were absolutely no monasteries to be found anywhere! Not just in the “eventually to be” Pacific Northwest. And furthermore, after giving the matter some additional thought, he came to the unpleasant realization that, as his personal beliefs tended towards the pantheistic, and that he, himself, might be considered, by some, to be a type of god, (though he would never make that claim personally. Unless it were to result in a really good joke), well… What can I say? That fact could lead him to putting himself to the Inquisitorial Question, which, if he answered truthfully, would inevitably lead him to finding himself guilty of heresy, and then he’d have to torture himself, and then burn himself at the stake.
And that would never do.
(He's a Raven, for chrissakes! not a fricken Phoenix!)
So things were looking really dark for Raven. He was beginning to think he'd never come up with a character that would work for him. He would never find a way to be "The Perfect Detective" for a world with no light. The Perfect Detective who could figure out a way to find the sun. And, though you might find it hard to believe, Raven was beginning to feel despondent.
Yes, that's exactly the right word.
He was starting to feel despondent.
And then it came to him in another word, the perfect word, the only word!
“Noir!”
(And Raven doesn’t even speak French!)
“Yeah!” he thought, “That’s it! Film Noir!”
(Stretch it out, you know, really long, “Fiiiiilllllllmmmm (pause) Noooiiiirrrrrrrrrr!”)
OK, ok, so it’s two words. Jeez... picky picky picky.
I bet you folks are just like the bunch that was driving Raven crazy. Always have to criticize everything! Complain, complain, complain, all - the - time! But actually use your brain to come up with a plan of action?
Nope - can't be bothered.
Actually get off your fat asses and do something about it?
Nope again!
That’s just how you are. You figure Raven will take care of it. Doesn't Raven always take care of it?
But what happens if Raven gets tired? Huh? What if Raven decides he needs a vacation. Huh? What then? What’ll you do if that happens? Huh!! Well I’ll tell you!
YOU are going to be absolutely S - O - L!
But enough editorializing. Back to the story.
Think about it! It’s Genius! Raven is Black, right? - Noir!
And there’s no light anywhere, Right? - Noir again! (OK, ok, so maybe it should be “Noir Noir”, but that’s just silly, (You people are so literal minded!)).
I tell you, it was the best idea before Der Blaue Engle, Der Dritte Mann, Sunset Boulevard, Bogy and Bacall! (And you thought I was going to say “Sliced Bread”!)….
Next! Raven P.I. starts looking for the sun!
No comments:
Post a Comment